(A Ten-Minute Play)
CAST
- John Frederick Smith, 29, a British tourist in New York City.
- August Nelson Smith, 28, his brother and also a British tourist.
- Renata Lowery, 26, a tourist and an American blueblood from Massachusetts.
- Soozie Jenkins, 27, a California tourist and Trump-hating liberal.
TIME
The Present.
PLACE
In the basement entry room of the Empire State Building.
STORY
Two American women from both coasts get to know two English brothers in New York City.
SCENE: THE BASEMENT ENTRY ROOM OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. THE OPEN STAGE IS FILLED WITH ROPED LINE DIVIDERS TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE STAY IN A LINE STARTING UPSTAGE RIGHT AND MOVING LATERALLY DOWNSTAGE TOWARDS A SECURITY CHECKPOINT.
AT RISE: JOHN, AUGUST, RENATA AND SOOZIE—IN THEIR LATE TWENTIES— ARRIVE LAST IN A LONG, VERY SLOWLY MOVING IMAGINARY LINE OF PEOPLE SNAKING THROUGH AN IMMENSE ROOM AT THE BASE OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
JOHN
(BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh no! We’re at the end of the queue!
AUGUST
(BRITISH ACCENT)
It’ll probably take two hours to get through this thing.
SOOZIE
What did you expect? This is the Empire State Building here. The pride of New York! What about the Tower of London in the UK? You’d have to wait at least two hours there as well.
JOHN
Right, but they’d put security right here, at the beginning, where we came in. Not at the end. You’re telling me we have to wait with all these people in this room for one hour before going through security? What kind of security is that?
(INDICATING CENTRAL AREA OF STAGE)
It’ll probably take a half-hour just to get to the middle there. Who knows how long it’ll take to get to the top of the Empire State?
RENATA
What’s the matter with you guys? Can’t you chill? You got a train to catch?
SOOZIE
Are English guys always in a rush to go somewhere?
RENATA
I’m surprised. My mom told me English guys were pretty chill.
AUGUST
I think that’s unfair, ladies, to say that about us. We’re the coolest, smartest brothers you’ll ever meet. You said that last night, didn’t you?
SOOZIE
(IMITATING AUGUST’S ENGLISH ACCENT)
“Un-fehhh! Sm-ahhh-test! Leye-dies!”
(RESUMING HER OWN CALIFORNIA ACCENT)
Last night was last night, boys, what have you done for us lately?
(SOOZIE SNUGGLES UP TO JOHN.
RENATA SNUGGLES UP TO AUGUST)
JOHN
That’s the thing with these American birds, August, they can never get enough. Crikey, you wore us out last night, lovelies.
AUGUST
And this morning, John. Rise and shine, Brother!
JOHN
Listen to the wanker! You almost fell asleep on Renata before she got a rise out of you!
SOOZIE
How would you know? You were in bed with me, John!
RENATA
“Rise and shine.” Now I know what that really means!
JOHN
Ah zip it, ya cunt! You’re talking ‘bout my brother, my brother August Smith!
RENATA
DON’T CALL ME A ‘CUNT,’ BOZO! WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU!
SOOZIE
Keep your voice down, Renata, you’ll cause a scene!
(THEY LOOK OUT DEFIANTLY AT
PEOPLE LOOKING BACK AT THEM.
THE LINE MOVES A LITTLE. THE FOUR
YOUNG ADULTS MOVE WITH IT TO UP-
STAGE CENTER)
RENATA
I don’t give a damn, Soozie! He can’t talk to us like that!
AUGUST
(LOWERING HIS VOICE)
You misunderstand him, Renata. ‘Cunt’ in the UK amongst schoolboys is like ‘nigger’ amongst blacks, or ‘bro’ or ‘dude’ or ‘bitch’ amongst whites here in the US.
RENATA
Well, I don’t like it, and you’re not schoolboys.
JOHN
Come on, Renata, don’t get your knickers in a twist. I wasn’t trying to slam you.
(TO AUGUST. AFFECTS AN AMERICAN ACCENT)
Fucking brother diplomat wanker! Ya cunt!
SOOZIE
Now you’re making fun of us!
AUGUST
No, he’s not. He’s making fun of me, his younger brother, calling me a “diplomat wanker.”
(JOHN SUDDENLY GRABS A HOLD OF SOOZIE AND
TRIES TO FEEL HER UP. SHE SLAPS HIS HAND AWAY.
TAKING THE LEAD FROM HIS BROTHER, AUGUST
GRABS RENATA AND TRIES TO FEEL HER UP
AS WELL. SHE SLAPS HIS FACE.)
SOOZIE
Don’t do that! Don’t you have any respect for women?
RENATA
Hey, hands off the goods! Not in public, what’s the matter with you two!
JOHN
(IMITATING RENATA’S AMERICAN ACCENT)
“Hey, hands off the goods!”
(RESUMING HIS NORMAL BRITISH ACCENT)
I love it! Shall we wait out this queue, Brother? Or shall we find another spot?
AUGUST
What are you playing at, John?
SOOZIE
Who are you guys?
RENATA
Exactly, we only met them last night, Soozie. Maybe we should have been more careful.
SOOZIE
Are you guys really brothers?
JOHN
Yes, we are, darling. The ‘Smith’ Brothers. Nothing more English than that! We’re very English. Only slightly removed from the Windsor’s.
SOOZIE
Who’s that?
RENATA
You know, Soozie? Queen Elizabeth Windsor, Phillip Windsor, Charles and Camilla Windsor now, William and Kate—
SOOZIE
Oh! The Royal Family!
JOHN
Bunch of wankers, that Royal Family. Sitting on their arses doing nothing while we, the British people, carry them on our backs. The fascist British regime making a mess in the Middle East. And now they’re hand in glove with the US and Saudi Arabia. And all those profits going back to the Royal Wankers.
SOOZIE
What brought that on? I’ve heard that the Royal Family brings hundreds of thousands of pounds into the British Treasury. Just on their own merit.
JOHN
Right, just like we British workers bring nothing in and pay no taxes to maintain those cunts in power?
AUGUST
What are you talking about, John? Remain focused.
JOHN
What are youtalking about, Brother? Wank-ahhh!
RENATA
I’m not gonna lie. I adoreyour accents!
JOHN
Now that’s better! We were getting off on the wrong foot there. We ad-owhhhh your accents as well, daahhhl-ings. Say “Mars Bar” /mahhhz bahh/ for us.
SOOZIE
What!
AUGUST
The two of you! Say “Mars Bar” /mahhhz bahh/ for us.
SOOZIE
“Mars Bar.”
RENATA
“Mars Bar.”
JOHN AND AUGUST
(TOGETHER, LAUGHING AND
IMITATING THEM)
“MAR-RRRZZ BAR-RRR!” “MAR-RRRZZ BAR-RRR!!”
RENATA
Okay, guys, knock it off. We know we sound nasal to your British ears. But then understand that you guys can sound ‘stuck up’ to our ears. Say, what’s it like, living with your brother in London?
JOHN
Oh Renata, that’s such a boring question. Didn’t we go through all that last night?
SOOZIE
But you didn’t give us a straight answer.
AUGUST
I don’t know what it is about you Americans? I feel I’m in a court of law with you people. I meet any of you on the street and it’s always,
(IMITATING AN AMERICAN ACCENTED MONOTONE)
‘Do all English people speak like you, how old are you, how long have you been here, why have you come, what’s your name, how many people are in your family, why did you go there, where are you from?’
(RESUMES HIS NORMAL VOICE)
Crikey!
RENATA
So? You got what you wanted. Let’s have it! Where areyou from?
(THE LINE MOVES SOMEWHAT
AND THE FOUR OF THEM
ARE NOW UPSTAGE LEFT)
JOHN
Got what wewanted? You got what youwanted, too. You want to know where we’re from? Let’s see, August and I grew up, the lucky and only two sons of two very hardworking Brits in London.
AUGUST
Well, greater London, really. We went to the Brixton Grammar school in South London.
SOOZIE
Grammar schools? Is that where you wear those little uniforms with the caps and long socks?
JOHN
Yes, it is. But now we’re big schoolboys, aren’t we, lovelies?
RENATA
And what do you do now?
AUGUST
John’s an electrician and I’m a welder.
SOOZIE
Did you go to a trade tech school to learn those jobs?
JOHN
What are you implying?
SOOZIE
Well, those are trade tech jobs, aren’t they? Plus, you apprentice with someone, right?
JOHN
What you really want to say is that you two birds went to university. You’re comparing us?
SOOZIE
Don’t put words in my mouth. However, I did go to Stanford and studied Art History; Renata went to Harvard and majored in Math.
JOHN
Well, whoopee do! We have two cultured birds here, August. They think they’re better than us!
We went to the Kingston Polytechnic afterwards to learn our trades. Do you know how to build an electric circuit with your art history and mathematics knowledge?
(THE LINE MOVES AGAIN
AND NOW THE FOUR OF THEM
ARE DOWN A ROW, UPSTAGE CENTER)
JOHN
No? I didn’t think so.
AUGUST
Keep your voice down, mate! What’s got into you?
JOHN
(IGNORING AUGUST)
What it is, ladies, see, I’m not too fond of aggressive women, ‘specially American women, ordering people around, barking orders and takin’ the piss and all—
AUGUST
John? Be careful and keep your voice down. Security is out there looking at us, and we stand out like campers with these backpacks we’re wearing.
(THEY REMOVE THEIR BAGS;
SHOVE THEM AT RENATA AND SOOZIE)
JOHN
(TO RENATA AND SOOZIE)
Here, take these!
SOOZIE
I can’t believe you two guys! Carry them yourselves!
(THEY SHOVE THE BAGS BACK AT
JOHN AND AUGUST)
JOHN
I can’t take these American women anymore, August. Do something about them before I do something I regret.
RENATA
Hey! This is our country here!
SOOZIE
For God’s sake, Renata, you sound like one of those Trump floozies flocking around our stupid president!
AUGUST
Will you keep your voices down, ladies!
(JOHN IS MOTIONING TO SECURITY)
JOHN
I think it’s too late, August, they’re about to leave their spot up there with the scanner machine and check our bags. It looks like time’s up, mate. Remember our orders.
(GESTURING TO THE FRONT OF
THE IMAGINARY LINE NOW)
JOHN
Those two there. They keep looking at us and they’re moving through the queue to get us. We’ll have to move fast.
RENATA
What are you talking about, John! What orders are you following? The two of you?
AUGUST
What are we doing, John? Why did we agree to do this? I’m in a state of tension. I can’t take it.
JOHN
Are you crazy, little brother? We’ll have thousands of these birds where we’re going!
SOOZIE
What are you guys talking about!!
JOHN
(TO RENATA AND SOOZIE)
You think you Americans are nice the way you go around the world, bombing here, sanctioning there, making sure nobody gets any nuclear weapons when your country’s been the only one in
history to ever use them? Is that “nice?” What do you think of all those carved up bodies in Yemen, Syria and Palestine?
(TO AUGUST)
You ready, brother August? We’re in the middle of the queue. It’s time!
(THEY PUSH IN FRONT
OF RENATA AND SOOZIE, SMASHING
THE LADIES’ HEADS WITH THEIR BACKPACKS.
THE NOISE LEVEL OF THE CROWD
IN THE LARGE ROOM HAS GONE UP
SEVERAL DECIBELS. JOHN AND
AUGUST EACH PULL OUT THEIR CELLPHONES
AND WAVE THEM IN THE AIR)
JOHN AND AUGUST
(YELLING TOGETHER IN UNISON)
GOD IS GREAT! GOD IS GREAT!
(THEY TRIGGER THEIR CELLPHONES. A
GREAT BANG FOLLOWED BY A THUD
FROM THE LOUD SPEAKER
AS THE BACKPACKS EXPLODE.
FLASHES OF RED AND WHITE. THE
BLAST OF A TRUCK HORN AND THE
REPETITIVE BLASTS OF AN ALARM
SIREN)
(THE LIGHT FLICKERS AND BLACKS OUT)
END OF PLAY